


Metal Gear Riding

by BraveInvisibleWorld



Category: Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-05
Updated: 2018-10-05
Packaged: 2019-07-25 16:53:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16201703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BraveInvisibleWorld/pseuds/BraveInvisibleWorld
Summary: Rider goes to school.





	Metal Gear Riding

**Author's Note:**

> Please play this track when reading https://youtu.be/KfwteoZCvoY

It was just another slow, ordinary day in the life of Sakura Matou. She gathered her homework as she left the house and handed the keys over to Medusa. “Rider, please, don’t let Shinji in. No matter how much he asks, do not let him in if he tries cutting class,” she instructed.

 

“Of course, Sakura,” replied Medusa. She wasn’t going to let Crinji in anyway. She’d probably kick him in the scrotum and throw him out into the trash at any given opportunity. He was such a shit person that Medusa would have killed him if it weren’t for the laws of the Grail War. But since she’s dead and Greek, she realized that Grail-kun could glerp this coochie. That’s when she got the courage to come up with a new plan to get rid of Shinji Matou. Forever.

 

Hastily diving into Sakura’s closet, Rider grabbed a spare uniform of Sakura’s and put it on. Surprisingly, it fit her, despite being like 6’0” while Sakura was 5’12”. She then took two magnifying glasses and taped a stick to it in order to create makeshift glasses in order not to rockify any innocent non-Shinji high-schooler.

 

Looking at her Rolex watch that she bought using her own money after working at Taco Bell for the last two months, she realized she had little time to get into the school before it started. She called forth Bellerophon, and after performing 3 illegal U-turns, was able to reach Fuyuki High School on time. As discreetly as she could, she entered, with only a few strange glances from passerby. She then hit her head at the top of the door frame because she was so tall. Then everyone was awkwardly staring at the new girl.

 

Medusa gave a small wave and cracked, “Hello, everyone, I am a new transfer student here. My name is uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...” Shit, Medusa forgot to think of a name for herself, this could be troublesome. “My name is Stheno.”

 

“Like that weird kid eating uncooked chicken over there?” one of the students asked. Over in the corner was Medusa’s asshole sister, Stheno. She was, again, trying to get salmonella by eating raw Tyson’s chicken tendies.

 

Gods damn it. “Actually it’s uhhhhh… Thanos.” She then broke into a Fortnite dance.

 

“Holy shit that’s a Fortnite dance!” The crowd of students was already liking her. Loud whoops and cheers spread throughout the courtyard. Stheno slowly succumbed to the salmonella. Suddenly, the teacher burst into the scene.

 

“GET THE FUCK TO CLASS!” shouted Abigail Williams. A loud explosion went off. She whipped her nae nae around and glared at the source of the trouble. It was Gudako and Mash, who were trying to set the school on fire. Abigail then shrugged it off as it was business as usual, but then she saw her own credit card in Gudako’s hands. “YOU LITTLE SHITS! DON’T BUY QUARTZ WITH MY FUCKING MONEY!” The short, potty-mouthed teacher immediately chased them to solve the conflict with her bare knuckles.

 

Taking advantage of the chaos, Medusa rushed off to a random class in hopes of finding Sakura. She remembered that Sakura had a culinary class and rushed off to wherever in the building had cooking utensils. After getting lost in the chemistry lab, the cafeteria, and library, she was able to find the class Sakura was in, albeit 10 minutes late. 

 

“Heya darlin’! Come on down for some sweet non-racist pot pie making! We just need three whole bowls of butter! And no racism! That’s bad! I sure learned my lesson!” 

 

Medusa couldn’t believe it. Right in front of her, teaching the class was (previously) racist calibrary cuff Paula Deen. Scanning her eyes, she caught Sakura there with Shirou, creating a nice delicious pot pie that is not racist. And then Saber came into the room in a non-racist manner, like Paula Deen or Betty White.

 

“Shirou. Please let me try your pot pie.” She walked over and placed whatever parts of the pot pie Shirou and Sakura made in her mouth hole. She blushed while eating. “Shirou... this is delicious… Thank you, Shirou…”

 

“SABER WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WE DIDN’T EVEN COOK IT THAT’S JUST RAW DOUGH AND CHICKEN!” Shirou exclaimed, trying to do the Heimlich maneuver on Saber so she doesn’t fall ill to salmonella. “BY THE POWER OF MY COMMAND SEAL, I ORDER YOU TO NOT DIE FROM SALMONELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 

“SHIROU!!!!! IT IS A KING’S DUTY TO EAT POT PIES OF ALL KINDS. DON’T DO THIS!!!” Saber pleaded through tears as the command spells started to glow on Shirou’s hand. She then passed out from the healing juice. Then came the rapid  _ clank clank _ of footsteps.

 

A man clad in black armor dressed with the school uniform on top of said outfit was right at the doorway. For a terrifying few moments, he stood there, breathing heavily. The man then yelled, “ARTHURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” and tried to go for the helpless, unconscious Saber. 

 

_ CRASH! _ The window shattered into pieces as Rin Tohsaka made her entrance. She glared at the knight. “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU RUNNING? I’M THE HALL MONITOR, YOU STUPID BITCH!” screamed Rin. Today, she was off the shits. However, because she is the hall monitor, she cannot be off the shits in the halls, which is why she broke into the school from the outside. She fired Gandr right at the man’s ass.

 

Mash and Gudako burst in and set the knight on fire. “FUCK YOU, DAD!” screamed Mash. Rin then spread the fire even further with her stash of flammable cough syrup that she used in her lean.

 

While all of this was happening, Medusa slowly scooted her way next to Sakura. “Hello! I am a new student here to Fuyuki High. My name is Thanos and I want to make friends!” she said in a barely passable form of acting to Sakura. 

 

“Rider? Rider, I know that’s you,” Sakura said. She tilted her head. What was her servant even doing here? She knew that Rider could always materialize into spirit form, but Sakura wanted her to watch the house since grandfather was in the hospital with a severe case of ligma. The tapeworms were eating too fast and he couldn’t keep up no matter how much Taco Bell he ate. Realizing she was way too deep in her thoughts, she turned her attention back to Rider, who was fidgeting a lot.

 

Medusa panicked. Well, shit. “Oh, Sakura, I just had to uh, check in on you for the, uh, daily servant and master check-up!”

 

“Rider, what are you even saying? I don’t even understand this malarkey you’re producing from your mouth seriously what are you even saying like what the f—”

 

At that moment, the door broke open. A man with the whitest hair, a red coat, and a face that made you understand that he had like depression or some shit appeared. “Hello, is Rin Tohsaka here? I need to talk to her about her servant and master check-up.”

 

Shirou had the urge to throw a butter knife at him, but he realized the severity of the situation and shook Saber’s shoulders in desperation. “SEIBA!!! We have to do the master and servant check-up! Wake up and drop that pot pie we gotta make like an ice cream sundae and split!!!!!” Saber was still limp in his arms.

 

Sakura’s face softened. “Oh, is that just it? How thoughtful of you, Rider.” She beamed a wholesome smile.

 

Medusa did not know that the servant and master checkup was a real thing. She put any emails she got from Kotomine Kirei in her spam folder. She has no clue what to do in this situation.

 

“Well, Sakura, since I’m checked in with you, I need to check in with your brother since he’s technically also my master. Do… do you know where he is right about now?”

 

“Oh… I think he should be eating lunch right now? I packed him one and everything.”

 

Just then, the smell of someone who plays Super Smash Brothers Melee for the Nintendo Gamecube filled the hallways and the room. So putrid, that it made Paula Deen racist again, leading to armed guards at the time sedating her in order to avoid any controversy.

 

“Sakuraaaaa...where...are...my...GUMMIES????????” The disgusting shriek of Shinji Matou filled the classroom. He stank like a rat after swimming in a trash pile on a hot summer day. His face was contorted in anger and was as red as the blistering sores on Zouken Matou’s feet.

 

Right as Shinji walked into the room, Medusa knew she would never get a chance this good ever again. She readied her chain sword things or whatever the fuck they’re called and charged right for the incel. 

 

“RIDER? YOU FOOL, HOW CAN YOU ATTEMPT TO KILL ME WHEN I HAVE THE GRIMOIRE...NOW HEED MY COMMAND AND DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he squeaked.

 

Medusa smirked. “Are you entirely sure that’s your grimoire, fuckboy? Look again.” 

 

Shinji looked down and realized that indeed, it was NOT his grimoire, but instead was a limited first edition copy of  Paula Deen's Southern Cooking Bible: The New Classic Guide to Delicious Dishes with More Than 300 Recipes. Someone had switched them behind the scenes. His eyes widened in shock as he ran the possibilities of who could have outsmarted the great Shinji Matou. Meanwhile, Rin Tohsaka bore a shit-eating grin as she thumbed through the pages of Crinji’s grimoire.

 

“WHAT THE—” Shinji was unable to finish his thought. Medusa click clacked him in a matter of seconds with her chains or whatever the fuck they are. Crinji fell dead like a sack of flour cut open. The incel never stood a chance.

 

”Wig?” asked Medusa. 

 

“Wig.” said everyone else. Sakura stared in shock. She couldn’t believe what just happened. She ran up to Medusa. Instinctively, Medusa braced herself for whatever could come next.

 

“Rider… thank you!” Sakura exclaimed. She threw her arms around her extremely tall servant. “Murdering Shinji really solved everything! Let’s go get Taco Bell!” She took Medusa by the hand as they walked out of the shambles of the kitchen, passing by the stunned Shirou who was still trying awaken Saber.

 

Shirou frowned. “So no pot pie?” Then the Holy Grail appeared to finally bake his pie, and Saber woke up to eat it again.

 

Paula Deen also woke up, and she shouted the most heart-warming moral of the story, “Y’all, I’m not racist anymore!” But by the time she woke up, she was already in southerner jail.

 

The End


End file.
